When we started going to swinger clubs it seemed like the direct approach was the only real option ... you just had to go up to someone and tell them you are interested in them and ask them if they would like to play. But that approach always caused us anxiety, and we found out the anxiety was because the question we asked made a huge assumption ... that they were there to play with others. That assumption was wrong way more often than we expected, and put people off if they were not there to play.
Despite all logic, it turns out that there is an endless list of reasons that people come to a swinger club, and only a small portion of those reasons involve playing with others. The main thing to keep in mind at any swinger club is that every single person and every couple comes looking for their own "thing", regardless of how long they have been coming to the club. The key is to avoid making assumptions. Here are some points to remember:
- Some people come just to people-watch.
- Some people already have people they are meeting there that night and will ignore you, but on a different night they would be happy to play with you.
- Some people come just to socialize and never or rarely play -- it's all about making friends with people that are accepting of their open-mindedness about sex.
- Some people come just to fuck. Not have sex, not make love, just fuck, and it doesn't really matter what your name is.
- Some couples are there to get only the husband or only the wife laid.
- Some people are there just so they can be topless or naked and not get groped or arrested.
- Some people come just to dance, or get on the pole, or wear a specific sexy outfit, or dance to a certain line dance song.
So what do you do? It's simple. You ask the right questions. Preferably ones that don't make assumptions. Ones that actually start a conversation are great. The question that makes the most sense to us is "Why do you come to the club?". That question leaves the door wide open for any kind of answer. If the answer includes information about what they are looking for in the people they play with, that is a good signal that it is fine to start steering the conversation that way if you are interested in playing with them.
Two questions that are good to avoid are "how do you play?" and "what are you looking for?". They seem to be common phrases people ask at swinger clubs to find out if they have a chance of getting laid. Did you catch the assumptions in there? The first question explicitly assumes that you actually DO play with others and that is why you are there. The second question at least veils the assumption, but it is still in there. Since many nights we are just there because we miss our friends, that is really the wrong question to be asking us, and "Why do you come to the club?" would work a lot better on us and many others at the club.
One thing to note is that this advice might not be valid for everyone. For example, those people that just come to swinger clubs to fuck first and take names later, it may save them a lot of time to just ask people straight up if they want to play. Keep in mind that if you would like to be able to socialize when there are no prospects there some night, it might be worth your time to stick to "Why do you come to the club?"
Hope this helps both swinger newbies and veterans alike! Keep having fun!
-WeRunWithScissors
My husband and I want to watch the first time visiting Club 440. Is that a good place to start? It would be our first time but are very interested in starting slow and that seems to be a good first step. Any advice?
ReplyDeleteWatching others at a swinger club is a good way to dip your toes into the waters, or as we used to call it, "Live porn". Depending upon the club, some have "public" areas to play, and almost all clubs have private rooms where people can go in and close the doors if they don't want to be watched. Depending on where you go you may have luck with open displays you can watch, but it's not a given. At Club 440, for example, the upstairs area is reserved for couples and single females only, and it is a No Clothing area, so you have to get naked to go up, but once you are up there you can find your own spot and watch others up there playing while you play alone.
DeleteThanks for the blog ... it was just what I was looking for. We've visited 3-4 different swing clubs while on vacation over the last 18 months. My wife and I are not sure we want to take the full swap step at this point, but we enjoy the dancing, sexy flirtatious atmosphere the clubs provide, watching others, being watched, and meeting new people. She is starting to think because we don't have sex with others we should stop going.
ReplyDeleteMy question is ... since we aren't into full swap, should we stop going at some point. Is she right? We plan to take a trip to Cincinnati during May and I'm looking for a club. Thanks
There is no requirement at all that swingers must do full swap with anyone. Technically, there isn't even a requirement that swingers do soft swap to be swingers. It is totally fine to go to a swinger club as a couple and ease into whatever you are comfortable with, even if it is just watching. You can be Members of a swinger club without being swingers. But if as a couple you meet other people and "make out" with them, meaning kissing and/or physical intimate contact even clothed, you are crossing the line into being swingers. Sharing physical intimacy with others in a way normally reserved for committed couples WHILE you are staying a committed couple is what it is all about.
DeleteBut even if you don't cross that line, there is no reason to stop going to any swinger club if you are enjoying it. If anyone tells you that you don't belong at a swinger club if you aren't there to have sex, just ignore them ... they are probably just frustrated from being turned down because they are rude. Swinger clubs are places for people to escape society's rules about sex, not a place for people to make up new rules about sex you have to folow.
One additional thought we had about this ... there are MANY women that go to swinger clubs that are bisexual (and some lesbian) that really are only there to play with other women. It's technically impossible for two women to have full swap, and yet women and couples keep on going to swinger clubs for girl-on-girl action only.
DeleteSo again, don't be concerned about WHY you go to swinger clubs, as long as you both want to go and you both know why you go. If you go and you enjoy it, don't let anyone (or yourself) convince you are not going for the "right" reason. Just go enjoy!
My boyfriend and I are newly together and we both have talked about wanting to go to club 440.. Neither of us have done the whole the swingers thing but we both are very open about our sexuality.. What would you recommend for two new,people just trying this lifestyle out.
ReplyDeleteOur recommendations are as follows:
ReplyDelete1. Read the Going to Club 440 posting (May 2010) on this blog and all the comments below it. There is a lot of good stuff in the comments!
2. Go to the club and make an agreement to just people-watch! It's a lot to take in all at once, so do yourself a favor ... do nothing but people-watch and plan to go in a private room alone together if things get too steamy for you to wait until you get home.
3. Communicate communicate communicate! Talk together before you agree to do anything with others that you haven't already agreed to. Go in the bathroom together to talk if you need to.
4. Go home and talk about your night and then go back for your free night the next night with a new well-informed plan and new agreements!
I think that may be the best we have explained it. It could become a posting of its own!
Do fat people swing? I *am* a fat person, and I really wouldn't want to come and be rejected. Best not to go at all, in my opinion. My spouse is thin, and what would be even worse would be for a couple to be interested in one and not the other. Also, ages, we're "older" now, 48 and 55, so I guess what I'm asking, is are there special clubs for old or fat or both old and fat people?
ReplyDeleteI, too, would love to hear the answer to this one!
DeleteDon't know why we didn't see this one to reply to it ... sorry about that!
DeleteYes, as mentioned in other areas (I think in the Club 440 comments), there are ALL shapes and sizes of people that swing. When you get into things like house parties where people that are invited are usually known by the people hosting the party, so those people do tend to be closer in body types to each other than in a club setting.
Clubs are all different, too. The nicest way to put it is that Club 440 is more diverse and accepting than the other clubs we have been to. But at least in this area there are not enough swingers going to clubs for there to be separate clubs that cater to a specific age range or body type like you are asking.
Also, we have seen time and time again that there is someone out there for everyone ... our world is varied enough that there really are people that are turned off by skinny men or women and are attracted to what you might call fat and they might call hot.
One last thing that may put your mind at ease ... the manager of Club 440 ... she is definitely not skinny, so you will not be turned away because of your weight there.
Oh, also there appears to be a very private club that someone posted about in another section. http://swingers55.webs.com/ They are in Dayton it seems. However, for the people that posted on April 4th, 2015 .. one of you is too young to go. Lol! Guess you'll have to wait until you're all grown up...?
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